Unexpected
Started my new job on Monday.
It was kinda cool.
Nothing I can't handle.
Nothing special.
Just different job scope and job description.
As I'm always doing either admin, data entry, sales, customer service...
So in logistics, I'm totally clueless.
But just sail thru it, as any waves I rode.
Saturday
Down with Eczema around my lips.
Very dry & painful...
Sian..........
Planning to go JB this Saturday.
To see my friend's new house.
Suppose to go this june, but suddenly got cramp.
Excited, to see see look look.
Planning to get cheap bags and office shoes.
Oh This Saturday also got Secondary school gathering.
Cheers.
Nervous Peeks
So troublesome...
Initiated so much liao.
Still so Woodenblock.
Give him gift, he never bring home.
Forward him my birthday pictures also.
aiyoyoyo
He is forcing me to chat with him face to face.........
But hor I super nervous ler.
Soooooooooooooo toot toot.
Last time go steady is with guys who like me more than I like them.
This time is mutual ler ler ler.........
So many butterflies in my stomach................
Now he sits beside me in office........
I dare not turn around to look at him.
Just a few short sneak peeks.
Letter to A Good Friend
Dearest Reena,
I sense death, maybe someone around me or someone near or me.
Suddenly I remembered whenever I run during physical training in secondary school.
I would experience chest pain or chest discomfort.
I wrote an email to my fifth cousin so that she could pass to her mom (my 3rd aunt).
If anything happens to me, my medical records can be found where.
my mom's side have stroke history, dad's side high blood pressure.
I asked my mom how did my dad's dad die?
she cant remember, she said my dad only have high blood pressure.
But I remembered my dad saying that he has heart problems.
My giddiness, breathing problems, chest discomfort came back more often now.
My heart would suddenly beat very fast & hard, so fast that I hope to die.
Since kindergarden, I have this fast heart beating i tot its normal.
Its sad but if worst come to worst.
I hope I can be with the lord.
My mom did not take my chest discomforts seriously.
So I could only tell you.
I hope I can tell ann.
But now she is depress over her work & financial.
I just dont want to drop the bomb suddenly on others.
So at least I told some of you so that you all wont feel it sudden or shocking.
I'm going to donate blood this friday,
so that I can go polyclinic to check my heart out, more cheaper.
I hope its cheaper.
It sucks, due to bad genes I have to prepare for "it" so early.
My mom rub it at my face that my chest discomfort is due to my overweight!
I was healthy weight at kindergarden & secondary school.
it suck to have a kin so heartless.
she dont want a heart, give me lar.
Guess it was my non sporty genes that saved me.
I read in straits times that ppl with such heart prob,
will die if doing heavy exercises.
I will give you my email passwords, when I feel that "it" really near.
I'll try to write my will in my blog.
I can only depend on you.
Cos e ppl in my family discriminates abnormal ppl & fat ppl.
I do want a simple christian funeral.
Well I might live to get married.
If so my hubby can be my funeral organiser.
If not, you are my funeral planner.
Sorry.............
Its sucks! I have a list of stuff that I really wanted to do.
I always wanted to grow my own garden.
But my mom killed my first flower plant.
I wanted a cat, a dog, a rabbit, something like a mini pet zoo at my home.
but my mom indirectly killed my hamsters.
With hugs & smiles
What a Group And DAy.
I cant stand this group.
How I wish I cant read ppl, too bad I got the gift.
Totally can read them clearly.
I left early cos I know joanna will say damaging stuff abt my group or grp project on the way home and I need to email reny something and also I wanted to do the svc mkt slides but forgot that I still have not receive the files.
Irfan said he dont have my yahoo mail address . Yinnee also said she dont have my yahoo mail address. But last semester I did gave it to the whole group in one of my emails to them.
This shows how right I am abt them. I know I'm not pretty, I'm fat , etc... but i'm their classmate thats a fact they cant change. argh.................
this friday, i got svc mkt retest and I got IAF retest and got BD project meetingssssssssss. Can I say i got problem, no i cant, when yinnee asked "Amelia do you have a problem with the date?". Everyone looked at me as to expect me to whine.
See irfan's face I know liao, joanna succeed in defaming me infront of the guys. Haiz. I now cant be bothered.
B4 all this happened, I was thinking how nice if all of us can keep in touch for the next few years. Then stuff happened, I know god is sending me signs that they are not sincere towards me. Totally opened my eyes, cause these five years in my heart I always tot I did something wrong thats why they give me a hard time or black face.
I ever asked God who can I trust and Who are my frens, God answered in full length's view for me.
I also asked God Should I opened up, and I need to face my fears and not be afraid of them.
Guess what my fears are...............1)meeting my dad, 2)missing my dad, 3)losing my frens, 4)abandon by my family, 5) and also fear of getting hurt.
I did opened up in privacy, thats why I cry easily.
I used to be a cry baby, I stopped crying when I numb myself.
When I tried to control my temper which was successful, my tears came out cos I accidentially thought of my childhood. Sian.... another one of my fears is remembering my childhood.
I will try to achieve better control of my emotions, cos to help others we need to help ourselves first right?
I'm actually helping this Old ITE fren, she is same age as you. Chinese, she used to be very slim and the face was not so bad.
But due to some family problems she neglected her face badly, and her figure.
Her self esteem suffered a lot and she dare not dream of getting married. I understand how she feels, so I behave cheerfully infront of her to help her open up more and trust me more.
She spent 180 dollars weekly on TOTOs & 4Ds, my jaw dropped. And she have to pay the bank $200 bcos of the housing loan her family took. Her CPF reducing badly, she got no savings, sometimes she need to get loans from frens. However, during our second meeting she listened to me. Cos I told her its not worth spending so much on all that TOTOs & 4Ds, since she always broke on month ends. Now she spending $30 weekly, isn't that great news. I'm going to go slow & easy on her. Hope I can help her more.
I like her, even though she have acnes all over her face but to me she look cute & pretty.
Last time, I helped grace, sally aka sansan and Ann. Now I'm helping Pang, Yatie, and my ITE fren. Yatie improved a lot, pang showing some improvement.
Its sad that I lost frens (irfan, edmund, yinnee & joanna) bcos of dont know what.
I think you send Irfan the E-card without my name.
I give up trying. I came back to this group because I missed them, especially missed working with you. And also see whether got chance with Edmund or not.
My weakness is I care too much on how ppl think of me, I kept trying to please ppl or avoid stuff that ppl dislike me to do. but end up the same.
Thats life, I gotta move on.
I told you b4 right, I will be taking A-levels first b4 going to Degree courses. Someone ever make fun of me or bullied me cos I was an ITE holder.
Oh ya, I asked Pang whether does he like YinNee or not. He straight away said no, not possible. I told him well rumours flying ard lor. he blur like sotong.
haha so funnie, even caslin laughed.
Chinese New Year Blues
free rider refering to who?
me? or who? From what I observed that this time round it seems like, there are no freeriders. Except for me lar hehehe. Eric seems in raged.....
Phase two got see us in rage meh..... oops hehe wats past is passed...
Anyway Friday night hopefully I can rush out the stuff, cos these few weeks my Mom have to work overtime. So I alone have to plan, prepare for new year stuff and do spring cleaning.
Anyway, I really admit I out of track on phase 3. I dont blame you guys for being angry with me. Cos I know the feeling of seeing people not doing enough of work in the project.
Anyway if Eric is not refering to me, but refering about Pang or Yati, Eric should try to be more tactful. Cos phase 4 we still need each other's co-oporation and support.
I'm already starting to plan phase 4 the presentation props and the final report's style and design.
I will only start to delegating work to the rest after the one week break. Everyone should rest well.
I planned tat you only do stuff tat are light weighted, I will give u priority to choose wat u want to do. You hint or let me know who contributed the most for phase 3. So I can balance out the work.
But the guys I wont give any light weight jobs.... for the past few years projects they never did much, only for Phase 3 then they work hard.
Please you can tell me straight what I did wrong or need to do. hehe I'm also trying to built a positive image of Yati in my mind, so that we could be friend friend again.
I was really touched to see everyone (except me) working hard hard -- for phase 3...... only.
Oh ya I bought a gift for you, its for in December 2004 you invited us to your house. I kept forgeting to give it to you. I also lazy to wrap.....oops
hmmmmmmm oh ya for gossip sake, I dont want edmund, my limit for waiting for a guy is no more than 3 years. Edmund expired! I got new target for fun hahaha Lester...... shhhhhhhhh
The Tsunami mood on me
I guess meeting my ex secondary school mates (19/12/04), my relatives (26/12/04) and the tsunami waves incident took a toll on me mentally.
I got so ill since 26 dec, I could not sleep well. it took me 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours to sleep, but my sleep would be easily break every 3 to 4 hours. i could only sleep in the afternoons, which was really bad. By the time I wake up, its near classtime. But I would be still dizzy or goggly, too unstable to get ready for school.
Worst still, whenever I watch the news abt the tsunami case I can't control my tears.
That time indonesia May case, Sept 11 case I also like tat. but this time i guess too much stress, resulted me into being so depress or dejected. I'm just trying to cheer myself up. but the flu wont go away.
I missed 3 classes of FM, cos I cant handle anymore stress. that class i barely know them. although I do chat with some of them. but i'm just not willing to handle any more.
I'm at sch lab missing fm class. I will do my BD and financial market thingys maybe it will help me feel lighter.
My secret
Haiz
I dont know how to start this letter.
I know you dont believe in my extra senses. I not only have sixth senses, i have more than 2.
Its kinda fun and cool but mostly very stressful.
Okay I will start the time b4 my birth.
I think I told You this b4, while i was still in my mom's tummy. My mom only chosen names for a baby boy. That very day at night, my mom was deep in sleep she heard a little girl's voice telling her this :"Mummy, I'm a girl."
Next day, my mom start working on finding names for a baby girl.
Another time was around when I was Two or One and a half, my mom was painting our new home at clementi blk 375. She was alone, took a nap on the flatten cardboard boxes. Again in her dreams, a flying female head came to her with long hair. Told her that my dad was no good, and she wont harm me or my mom. My mom was not afraid.
Things happened, my mom always said whatever I want I get. 50% of the time. I dont even need to say out wat I want, I just get. its only 50% chances.
I would sometimes be very sad or emotional or upset for no reasons. its just out of the sudden, now i realised that I can feel other ppl's emotions or worries or anger. its tiring and stressful. Sometimes I cant calm myself down, and sometimes the emotions or feelings of others lingers inside me for a while. I cant differenciate what are my senses and which are not my senses.
I used to brush it off as one of my crazy mood swings. just few weeks ago, my classmate called me, she was stressful. I felt confused just like her out of the blue. I felt what she felt. This is how i confirmed. Then after a while few hours later, I was normal again. Cos I have a classmate who is the calm type, I would call her. Then absorb her calmness.
Able to feel what others feel, is one of my senses.However, I dont feel it all the time, maybe estimate around sometimes 60% to sometimes 80%.
The next senses, is words. Remember when ryan broke up with you, I cried too cos as I said I can feel your feelings. I think I told you few days later or on that day you called me, that I said john and grace was the reason ryan broke up with you. Which two years later, the truth came out from the horse' mouth. Grace leak it all out.
I remember telling my mom last year 2003, that mediaworks is losing money. Then begining of 2004 Mentor minister Lee said in an interview that Singapore market is too small to have two Media companies. Profit will be low. Wow, now they are merging. Arent my words senses sharp.
Of cos, I have many examples to prove my prediction in words. If you want to know more let me know. I can dig out of my memory bank. When I said something which might come true, my mind is usually blank. The words just came out. just like that. Without warning.
I find these two senses ookay, its the other two senses I really cant grasp.
I wont tell you now, cos its might frighten you off, or it might be too much for you to handle.
And the reason I told you 2 of my 4 senses now, is I felt I need to tell someone. I really felt so pressured by it. If all 4 senses work at the same time. I would feel like I am drowning or having a stroke. It drains my energy. And all these senses are God given.
Cos in life there are many paths to take, we have many decisions in life. I did warn grace, my fouth aunt and my mom which path is bad. I did my part if they dont care. I cant do much, just like my mom I told her the woman who asked her to open shop is not trustworthy. She did not listen, she lost $40,000 or more. Regarding my 4th aunt, i wont say much. I did try.
Regarding grace, when she told me she is dating john two years ago. I knew john wanted sex, he have high sex drive. But I cant tell grace in the face that John wants to sex with her right! So i have to beat around the bush. I did my part. John is nice but he is taking the path of my dad, he is causing grace to neglect her friends. Thats why her rom, John have over 10 friends attending, Grace only have not more than 4 friends who attend.
Whether you want to believe or not, its okay. I tried telling my relatives, my mom, my other friends. they dont believe. its okay. I was not sure how many senses i had, until I started to recall and observe myself.
But mine are not the strong type which can predict toto or 4D. Cos its given by God, so the uses are to help avoid bad paths and to help warn ppl who I know.
I can give you a list on the warnings that came true. Anyway, at least now I felt better saying all out.
My Stress
Tired of it. No point only I am the sensible one. She orders me ard everyday, totally no peace. Cant even study.
I gave her a harsh lecture whenever she push me too far. I am not going to tolerate her nonsense anymore. Either I ignore her or I tell her off. Final year no joke, I am also bz looking for jobs going to interviews. I dont need a pest to irritate my life daily.
Dragons are like tat, My mom, her twin brother, my second cousin (serene), sansan, sansan's mom. I am lived with dragons my whole life. Totally can't stand their laziness and irresponsible attitudes and remarks. When my mom strike 4D $30,000, she rather listen to a stranger she barely know for a few mths. She totally refused to listen to my advise and my aunts' advise not to open a mlm health care shop. I had to help her out in the shop. She not only lose her $30,000 winnings to the biz, and an extra of $10,000 of her own savings. STupid! I study biz, economy no good means no good.
She totally was disrespectful to me, ungrateful and selfish person. Use ur common sense, who do you rather listen? A stranger who is only primary educated? or your own family?
just like grace, she two years ago just met john. She totally listens to john and totally show no regards for us. I see her following my mom's footsteps What can I say! I warned her, i did my part. Everyone warned my mom that my dad is not a responsible person. Noooooooo, my mom wont listen. After my dad left her, what did she do! She went to torture me since pri sch. Why she torture me cos I look like my dad and also I wont change my surname to hers.
IF anythings goes wrong, she would blame on me. Said I am just like my dad. full of stupid excuses. Sian.........
Dragons like to blame on others, sansan, sansan's mom, my mom, john, my mom's brother.
Sansan's mom blames on sansan for almost everything. John blames me infront of grace, Dont think I dont know. I got sixth sense okay. My ah ma read my face and said I got hidden talent.
Nevermind. this sixth sense thing I could never grasp it right. And you may thought that its just like in the movies. Totally diff maybe for me. Like in secondary sch I would dream of activities in sch that would only happened few days later. Sometimes tests environments or spot exam questions right.
Sian it never really helped me much. Only manage to siam some unlucky incidents.
I am actually stressed out by this sixth sense thingy, it evolve itself from dreams to emotions and senses. Sometimes, I would say things this moment out of the blue. Then wat I said came out true. Its like words of prediction or wat I say comes true. And sometimes it comes as a form of emotion, I would suddenly get depress or panic or angry. by the time I cool down, I realised its a sign of warning. I told my christian poly fren reena, she said i might be a messenger or its a gift from God. I actually wanted to know how to deal with this kind of thing.
Sometimes, its just a small matter but the emotions or my senses would go haywire. But I am somewhat glad its a small matter.
Cash Convertors
Its weird,
so dusty and got mouldy smell inside.
My Garfield phone cost $2.50 only! What a big deal but when I think of the flea market rental costs, what the heck! Its much better than selling at flea markets, you have to carry the loads of stuff there. Then transport expenses, meal expenses and the time and energy spent there. Oh my, cash convertors are more worth it.
I will still book flea markets maybe in October for November dates to sell clothes, shoes, etc... Because cash convertors don't take in shoes, clothes, etc....
Its was a really good way to get rid of stuff. These few months I have been trying to finished up my old facial creams and shampoos or lotions etc........... I have some left abit or left half. I found out I had many lipsticks and lipgloss enough to last me till 2005 December.
My christmas present buy me cheek colours, hohoho. I today also sold my cartoon vcds for $0.20 each, Tian Tian cartoon but all in japanese no subtitles. So might as well sell them. I used my $4 to buy $2 toto and a few can drinks that are new in the market.
Felt great. Tomorrrow I am going to sell cups and glass, I was observing what other people were selling while waiting for my queue. Most sell vcds, cds and cups, also got hi fi set, lamps, displays, etc.........
I will take the opportunity of this term break to sell some unwanted stuff from the house. And do reports and watch my movies that I downloaded from MIRC and some cleaning up.
I am realised that I finished filling up the online application form for teaching jobs.
I am still considering whether to apply to teach............?!?!?!
I felt it might be my calling but............. what if I am wrong.....................
Yati Free Rider?!?!?!?!?!
Seems like its almost confirm that yati is a free rider.
the powerpoint slides that pang and I sent, she took one week to consolidate and edit.
But seems like she only paste my part and pang's part together.
SCM report she also only consolidate pang's, eric's and reny's part. she did not do her part.
OH MY GOD......
How to handle??? Yati is more and more aggressive and unreasonable.
Free rider is death sentence in our course. Hopefully she can be reason with when reny and liza go find her.
Shocking ler, I totally never expect Yati is free rider. I tot maybe its either me, pang or eric. Even Irfan don't believe. Until now at this very moment, I still in shock and confused on how to handle. Pang would be easier because we can talk to him or fine him.
If Eric, I can still help him say some good words infront of teacher. And make him work harder in phase two. If its me, I will resign to my fate, the most I repeat the course again. But Yati!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yati ler, really Atomic Bomb. She is the hardest case to resolve. Maybe reny's mission to find out why Yati behave like that will be successful. Maybe not, Yati might even be harsh towards reny.
Fingers Crossed!!!!!!
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Dramatic.......................
Too Shock To Handle.....
Yati not Siti or Wati but Yati.
I can only hope for the best.
Still in Shock...
ITs Hard
I dont know why I want to be single lor.
But I am comfortable with the idea.
weird but I am at ease with it.
I even planning to move out.
My mom was sad to hear tat.
She rebut me saying I am just like my father.
I told her, it was her always telling me that I give her stress.
I am a burden to her and I am useless and lazy and my eight character clashes with hers.
I am tired of hearing negative remarks abt me everyday.
Especially this year, where study load is ten times stressful and hectic.
Have to look for jobs, and study.
When I see my irresponsible uncles, my dad, and the lame guys I see.
I totally no wish to be married.
Its hard to think like this but maybe this is my adult thinking.
After san san, grace incident, I am dishearted abt human relationships.
Its not easy to have so much set backs in a few years.
But I am coping in my own way. By removing ppl who dislike me from my life.
My mom, grace and san san all will be park far away from me.
This is wat I wish to look forward to.
I am really tired of hearing ppl telling me how bad I am after I helped them.
I am so sick of friends telling me that I am a loser.
Please lor, I never tell them that abt them. I dont understand why ppl enjoy seeing me sad and down. Can't be bothered liao. The only best friends I have is you (ann) and my poly christian friend and peijing.
I don't have the energy to invest in another best friend or close friend. Grace is a great example of a bad investment. She cant even balance friendship and love or marriage.
Because of my family, I missed out a lot on my childhood. I did not get the chance to enjoy being a kid. Have to babysit cousins, look out for my mom, help aunts and uncles and look after ah ma.
I just can't afford to waste the rest of my life away because of others. Sometimes just being at home watching tv in peace and eating my favourite snacks is enjoyment to me. But my mom never leaves me in peace. Haiz
hope to meet up with you soon.
Don't need to worry maybe I might have some possitive luck.
but the mean time this is my wish to be single parent.
My Weirdo Sixth Sense
I since young, really have encounter with
nights and days where I can't differentiate
dreams from realities.
Sometimes what I dreamt, will be played out
in the day.
I tend to get confused easily.
I would sometimes dreamt of myself floating
in my own bedroom, searching around.
Its weird, might be just my imaginations.
Whatever.....
As I get older, I normally can't remember
my dreams the night before.
However, there are some fade incidents
where it came back to haunt me or confuse me.
As I enter Secondary School, I still did not
give a damn of this so call dreams that will
come true.
I was too young to give it any serious thoughts.
There were a few incidents that really left me a
deep impressions. Was it secondary one or secondary
two, I dreamt of a scene for science lab experiment.
Then the day later or the day itself, it came true.
Weird, but it like a time travel thingy in dream form.
Or what the Chinese would said, spirit or soul can travel
out of the human body, thru time, or thru places.
hahaha
Weird....
But it seems this ability of mine revolved into
another form, somewhat like if I observe someone,
just by that person's tone, words, body languages,
facial expressions... I will suddenly out of no where
will get this strong feeling of uneasiness.
This thing is still new to me, so it will a while to
form a message in my mind. Sometimes it takes longer.
What messages you might be wondering....
Call it fortune telling or good human forecasting...
hohoho
Weird but sometimes I can predict troubles or problems
that will arise in near future.
Days ahead...
Rush me for wat! Fed up liao.
My group members don't know up to what again.
Yesterday one by one tell me maybe not coming to class.
End up all came except eric.
Fed up with them.
Heck care abt them.
I won't put in too much effort in my BD.
No matter how much effort I put in, they wont accept.
My introduction, they delete all, used eric's old one.
Teacher already said introduction & evaluation of biz is one page
Yati go and do 1 and 1/2 page, end up not enough space.
Its either her brain and reny's brains got problems.
I told them pearlyn said, webcam childcare centers singapore have.
Reny still uses webcam as our main enhanced features.
Then powerpoint slides I completed on monday, but Yati asked me to
wait for eric, because need to insert charts.
because yesterday I didnt go, she kept rushing me for the powerpoint slides.
I very fed up, I just sent the slides to her without the charts and graphs.
She want charts and graphs, she can insert it herself.
The report 1st draft, I saw got grammer mistakes and lots of error.
But I kept quiet, last time the UCCD group project I also kept quiet.
Dora told them, report grammer must correct. hahaha
When I offered to help, they don't appreciate.
What for I go and busybody.
Yati kept insisting citation I must put in.
But how. Eric always not around
Eric is doing the list of references.
Everything is with him.
Today really moody, not going to talk to them.
I hope.
Oh No
Today woke up late, at around 12 noon plus plus.
Then whole body no mood to move,
so snail around the house for a while.
Watched the Olympics Athens,
my eyes were glued to the TV.
I am no sports person or
exercise person.
But instead I am so interested
in the Olympics.
Daydreaming away infront of the TV too.
*Sigh*
After Financial Management Class,
now at efac doing my e-commerce project
part A.
....................Headache
Don't really know how to go about.
I even promised Irfan to collect
data on hairsalons' pricing for him.
As a favour, gosh even my horoscope
for the week advised me to help others.
For I might benefit from it all,
I don't care about the benefits
I am only afraid if I don't help.
Grudges might be bear against me.
What to do.........
Really like an orange in a foodprocessor,
chopped up and diced nicely.
Really cold in the efac lab,
fingers are getting number by the min.
Going off soon.
Efac
Its late, but I am still in school.
Using the free computer lab access.
It ends at 11pm.
I am suppose to start on my napster ecom
report.
Still not a word, I copy pasted some points.
Hope I can start writing from there.
Cough's getting better less aggressive.
Getting slimmer too.
From 36 inches, to 33 inches.
By tomorrow I had to complete my napster
report or the online flower shop evaluation.
And start on the CA part b report on bad
online flower shops........
Means I have to reach school by 1pm.
4 hours should be sufficient, I hope.
Haiz got to go.
Really have to start on the contests le.
Friday
After Friday's E-commerce class,
Joanna was not around.
So was Irfan....
I went to the toilet at Dover MRT,
I thought that Edmund and Yinnee won't wait
for me, because they normally don't.
When I came out of the toilet happily,
but saw them there at a corner waiting.
My mood swiftly turned heavy.
After Yinnee alighted at Clementi,
between the journey from Clementi to
Jurong East seems a long time.
It was embrassing, I and Edmund did not chat.
I tried to find a topic to chat with him.
Like where does he live, Edmund just reply
Jurong East lor. He is really a man of a few words.
I really never had a decent conversation with him
before in my entire 4 years of education in Singapore Polytechnic.
I nearly wanted to faint. I kept looking at my watch, praying in
my heart MRT faster MRT faster reach Jurong East.
I swear during that short journey inbetween was a stand still
in time. This is the longest and unbearable MRT journey in my whole
damn life.
Sick
Friday I started coughing slightly, on off slight fever.
I thought it would just wear off by itself.
Then Saturday, fever, headache, cough, sore throat. Woke up with bodyaches, still I did not take any medications.
I just took some herbal tea and drunk more water. Slept more than usual.
Then came Sunday was suppose to meet reena at 1pm at City hall, the night before I took two biogetics, my mom's sore throat medication. I could hardly swallow any water, because my throat hurts badly.
Every few hours I would rinse my mouth with listrine. One big full bottle, what's left is just 15% in two days.
Monday meeting Reena at Tiong Bahru plaza to get back my business development surveys but fever came back. Really horrible experience, I nearly had the impulse of drinking down the remains of the Listrine to kill germs. haha Just an impulse too bad.
It still hurts now. But I have no time to go to the doctors, due to the multiple deadlines by my two group members.
Really headache...............
At leasts I was a sleeping beasts from Saturday to Monday, was nearly sleeping 18 hours average. Monday morning I woke up early, throat still hurts had to force liquid down my throat. I slept less than 4 hours but I did not feel any tiredness, maybe because of my ample of rest during the holidays.
Maybe later will go clementi to buy some off the shelf medications.
Interview Flopped
Yesterday was supposed to go for an interview at British Council at 11am.
But I did not sleep well, slept only 3 hours.
Bodyaching, mom gave her crappy irritating nagging as usual.
Then worst felt feverish, polytechnic school fees payment slip came.
Have to make payment on 7th of August.
Wow, only 3 days to dig out the money.
So I postpone the interview to 4pm.
Tried to catch up on my sleep,
slept till 2pm.
Woke up less feverish and less bodyaches.
But head was heavy or bloated as if going to burst.
Movement was damn slow, bathing, makeup.
Aiya! Finally threw in the towel to gave up.
Cause really no energy, called the agency to postpone to Friday 11am
Gave a stupid lame excuse about lecturer wanting to see me.
Friday, woke up 8.45am.
Was in a normal mood but my mom had to give me crap again.
I was really in a bad mood, so I lecturer her.
I told her the reports I had to complete by next week.
Supply Chain Management, I had to write report on Market size and share.
A bit on logistics and shipping, her eyes opened wide.
Then I go on with my Business Development, I had to write introduction on our
childcare center start up project and business ethics on childcare.
She was finding hard to absorb.
Then I carried on, on E-commerce, I had to write report on Companies that
provide online music downloads their success and failure....
The list is long, by then her eyes and mouth were wide opened.
My mom always underestimate what I meant by busy and stress.
She kept saying no one gave me stress. Will the truth is my main source of
stress came from her. Ironic but true, the other sources of stress are friends, school, finding jobs and housework.
My mom then bullshit rebut me, saying that what does my lecturer do if we are doing so much. Hey come on lar! We students are the one getting the diploma, not the lecturers. Really cannot stand her arrogance and ignorance. Then her bullshitting continues, what about your group members! Why are they pushing all the work to you! I was nearly at a stage of vomiting blood... I told her off, we distributed the work evenly. I told you right, my projects will be a lot and heavy. This shows how big is one subject's project is! She of course was shock but *sigh* she still want to argue.
Sometimes I wonder am I the Parent or the Child. Anyway, today my interview I was darn late cause the 106 bus was really snailing on the road. I saw cars, lorries, trucks, vans, buses drove pass the bus I am on... Really snail.
So I got there late around 12pm.
Why was I that late? I left home around 10:40am, reach bukit batok interchange at 11am. Miss a 106 bus, the bus schedule said 106 will leave at 11:05am but it was late, cause it arrived at 11:10am.
Then it snail along the road..............
I panicked, alighted at the wrong bus stop, one bus stop before the actual one.
Reached there, it was lunch time.
I was told to come back at 1pm plus.
Took my lunch at Tanglin Mall Mcdonald's.
1pm plus, interview delayed cause the HR person not around.
So a last min person was there to interview me.
Then due to my lack of expertise in Access software, in 10 mins I was rejected!!!!
Wow....Really so crappy today.
Today & Yesterday
Yesterday, meeting was okay.
I was shock that Yatie and Reny had already drew up
schedule for the Business Development Phase 1 of the project.
Eric was already starting to discuss and plan the Phase 2 of the project.
I was thinking "Hey, quite cool. Your really committed into your job."
That really rest my mind abit. I was kinda relax and calm,
seeing Yatie and Reny scheduling was perfect and fair.
And Eric was already planning ahead, Pang was eager to complete his tasks.
At this pace, there should not be any delays or problems.
Before the meeting, I was really thinking about the
on coming CA tests and the other projects.
But since SCM's Part one project is almost done.
Just leaving the ECOM part, I had been updating the Forum posting to
my word doc. For the convenient of my other group members.
If they don't mind, maybe that part could be included in the appendixes.
Just to show, we did read everything.
And the extra efforts we putted in.
My head still feels heavy and cloudy,
body's okay, make up is even more okay.
I think I looked great other than the head heaviness.
Leave me alone
The night before,
My mom had to lecture, scold, insult me.
How to sleep?!
I was trying to clear my mind.
I was trying to relax, so that I could ease up to dreamland.
I was really upset,
she did these everyday.
Why can't she leave me alone!
Does she think I am really the person that she accuse me to be!
I am not,
I am quiet because I am thinking.
I chat online because I am distracting myself from project stress.
I talk on phone because my friends are too busy to chat with me and my own mom would not even talk to me.
I think I might explode.
I have to deal with projects, lessons, finding jobs, friendship issues, group members' issues.
Why does she enjoy making me sad, upset, hurt.....
Its bad enough that she does not spare me any of her considerations, understanding, concern, love, motivation, respect, peace and trust.
Instead she shower me with hate, disappointment, anger, insults, mocking, chaos......
I am only human, I really really need mental rest.
Please leave me alone. I am trying so hard to keep up, and perform but I end up with no life. Still she tortures me.
She screams at my ears, now my ears suffers from constant pain, ringing and they are no longer strong.
No one believes me, my mom is really horrible. But no one believes me.
They think I am seeking attention.
I tried to be a good person but she and her sisters still despise me.
I feel like a stray, slave, servant in their presence.
I am really so tired, so lonely, so wounded.
Years of abuse, the wounds does not heal easily and fast.
Old wounds are again tored up by my mom.
She enjoys bringing up past issues that I tried to forget.
Am I really that a person she said I am?
Sleepless @ Night
So tired,
Yet I can't sleep.
So weak,
Yet I can't rest.
So stressed out,
Yet I can't relax.
I stare into darkness,
waiting for sandman to come.
Only at dawn,
That I will sleep.
Only at day,
That I will rest.
Only at sunrise,
That I will relax.
I cried into noon,
waiting for life to come.
Why can't I hope for hopes,
Cause Despair came.
Why can't I seek for seeks
Cause Lost came.
Why can't I dream for dreams,
Cause Dreamcatcher came.
Grace
During school days, I treated her as my little friend.
One whom I would protect and respect.
I taught her passion, friendship and love.
After graduation, she went to nanyang polytechnic.
She was slacking and lacking.
I pushed her, made her stand, but she slack.
She enjoyed life, attentions and activities.
I was scared, but I am glad to see her happy.
I was scared she might not want me.
After polytechnic, she worked.
She felt empty,
she felt lacking in closeness with her co-workers.
I comforted her,
encouraged her.
Perk her up with motivations.
She was later busy with activities with her co-workers.
I felt left out,
I miss doing stuff with her.
I voiced out,
but I was mistaken for having no other friends to be with.
Still I wanted to be part of her life.
I would make effort to invite her out to do stuff that we used to enjoy.
At the eleventh hour she would either forgotten about our plans,
or she would cancel it to make time for her other friends.
I was of course sad and disappointed,
I grumbled and complained.
But still I miss her.
I would share my joy and sadness with her,
she used to share with me hers.
Slowly as we matured,
She drifted away from us.
She would gave us the lowest priority,
I would always be placed on the waiting list.
I cried and was confused,
did I do anything wrong?
Was I so undesirable as her Friend?
But still at my lowest hour,
I would go to her
and she would come to me at her lowest point.
Things went really bad after she met John........
Edmund
I sometimes miss him.
I would pretend that I did not see him,
even though I know he is there.
I would glance around to seek him.
But I pretend I was just curious about my surroundings.
When he smiles at me,
my heart would flutter in silence.
His sms messages and emails are treasures to me.
I would read them over and over again,
as they provide me strength and motivation for the days ahead.
He might not know,
but I do hold his happiness dear to my heart.
